The Top 5 Most Obnoxious College Students

For those of us who decided to advance our formal education in partying by going to college, it didn't take long to notice one of the annoying side-effects college can bring: actually going to class. Granted, this isn't a pastime we often partook in, nor of our own free will, but not for the reasons you think. Yes the lectures are boring, but in the age of under the table texting and hooded earbud listening, we don't have it nearly bad as our forefathers. However, I'm not sure that our forefathers had to deal with an even worse kind of torture: that of the obnoxious student. There are many forms of obnoxious college students, but these are by far the most common and most obnoxious. And if you don't recognize one, then you just might be...


5. The Front Row Student (Teacher's Pet)










In general, there are two kinds of suck ups, she who giggles and shows some cleavage, and he who chortles while choking on teacher dick. We've got no problem with the dumb girl who touts her double-D's rather than a double-digit ACT score. A little cleavage to encourage a grade boost never hurt anyone, right? I mean, 'Grade Boost for Grade-A Bust' has been an integral part of the education system for generations.

Education at its finest.

No, it's the annoying, know-it-all, I'm-better-than-everyone-in-this-room student that really grinds our gears.

Sometimes the two can become confused due to magic.

These are the students who sit in the front row of the classroom, giving all the answers and asking all the questions. They think they are superior because of their unending well of knowledge, but really they are only superior in their unending ability to lick the professor's balls. You see, just because you answer the professor's questions, that doesn't mean you are the only one can, it just means you are the only one who did. Some of us are perfectly content to look at porn on our phones while pretending to text our friends. But hey--to each his own, right? Except, why do you have to be so damn arrogant about it? You're answering the obvious and mundane questions of an obviously mundane and no-name professor in a second rate college. He is not Alex Trebek, and you will not not win a single cent by answering correctly.

Though he does share an uncanny resemblance with many college professors, so we can see how you might get confused.

So stop laughing at his terrible jokes, stop nodding at his every statement, and please just sit there like the rest of us. Imagine for a moment, if you will, a world in which no one answered the professor's questions, and said professor eventually stopped asking them. How beautiful, how peaceful. Though if that were to occur, people might feel like they're just watching TV, which could cause them to whip it out and start masturbating right then and there. Which brings us to...


4. Bubble Boy









'Bubble Boy' is the classification for people who are in a classroom, yet don't seem to realize that they are in a classroom. They seem to think that they live in an opaque, soundproof bubble that can grow and shrink, depending on the number of friends around them. And thanks to their protective bubble, these Bubble Boys will proceed to talk, watch movies, or do whatever they would do if no one else was there. You know, as if they weren't disturbing anyone.

As if the 2001 remake with Jake Gyllenhall wasn't disturbing enough.

Of course, Bubble Boys aren't restricted to the male gender. Oh no, not at all. Girls tend to be the most likely offenders of answering their phones in the middle of class, conversations ranging from "I'll call you back" to full-fledged drama fests. Do you know where you are? You're in a classroom full of people who are either trying to listen to the professor, or trying to think about anything other than what you're talking about. This also applies to people who talk to their friends at a volume which implies that they are at a construction site, rather than in a hushed classroom of people trying to focus, or at least trying to sleep. Did your Kindergarten teacher scream across the hall to other teachers during naptime? No, because all of the little rugrats would probably get up and murder her. It's just not polite.

Speak and die.

Rules for the Bubble Boy:
1. Text under the desk, not on it.
2. If you want to talk on your phone, leave the fucking room.
3. Whisper to your friends, do not speak in a normal tone.
4. When using your laptop for anything other than notes (which is always), sit in the very back row. We don't share your love for romantic comedies or your love for your friend's Facebook photo albums.

3. Old People


Okay, I know, it's just great that old people have the courage and patience and all that to abandon their families and their pensions to go back to school. Fan-freaking-tastic. The problem? They're in the same classes as the rest of us! What ever happened to the good old days of separate but equal? You know, like how they separated the "special" kids into their own classes that moved at a "special" speed and intensity? Surely being middle aged when Al Gore invented the internet qualifies as some kind of learning disability.

I know there's tons of free porn out there, but I have no idea how to access it.

I'm all for teaching old dogs new tricks, but not in the same room as the normal people. Why not, you may ask. They're people too, right? Yes, they may be people, but they have no idea what is going on outside of their little world of kids and wife and what college was like back in the "good ol' days." To them an iPod is what little Timmy demanded for Christmas and clubs are what their father wielded when they made the unfortunate mistake of being heard in addition to being seen.

And then there's Billy, who made the simple mistake of being born.

They see every little thing the professor says as the perfect opportunity to bring up either a) Their youth or b) Their current family/work situation. We don't care about how this relates to your kids and we don't care how things were when you were our age. You see, old people can do the simple math and figure out that often they are close in age to the professor. However they lack the insight to recognize that while they may have decades of experience on us, they obviously didn't make such great use of those decades, hence the fact that they are a student just like the fucking rest of us. So spare us your misguided words of wisdom and save them for who they're meant for--your kids. The best is when they turn to all the young folk in the room, with that amusedly knowing look, and tell us in one condescending way or another how someday we'll understand. Yeah? And maybe at some point you will figure out how to check your computer's history and find out what your husband's latenight snacks really consist of. I'll give you a hint, it has something to do with that think called the internet. But don't worry, someday you'll understand. Now please, shut the fuck up.

Best. Invention. Ever. God I'm good!

2. The Coffeeshop Douchebag

The Coffeeshop Douchebag is not to be confused with the Teacher's Pet. The Teacher's Pet says everything the professor wants to hear, answering all questions "correctly", and verbally fellating him at every opportunity.

Sometimes apples just don't cut it.

The Coffeeshop Douchebag, however, is just the opposite. Instead of agreeing with everything the professor says, this breed of students says the exact opposite, no matter what. It doesn't matter if it makes sense, it doesn't matter if it's clearly wrong, hell, it doesn't matter if it's in English, as long as it contradicts what the professor or any student in the room says. Where Teacher's Pet's revere the professor as a god to be worshiped and obeyed, the Coffeeshop Douchebag sees the professor, along with every human they ever come in contact with, as someone to be despised and looked down upon.

How's the weather down there, in your pathetic little world?

The Coffeeshop Douchebag is so named because, outside of the classroom, he can be found sitting in a coffeeshop with his Macbook and his overpriced latte, most likely blogging about how smart and cultured he is, and how unevolved every other single person to walk the face of the planet is.

Ooh, a black Mac. He's even superior to other Coffeeshop Douchebags!

Yet, by sitting there in class and contradicting everyone at every point on every topic, their attempt to look intellectually superior only serves to make them completely despised. And you know what? That's exactly what they're going for. They think that if all the stupid cretin of the student population, as well as the faculty, don't 'get' them or their lofty theories and opinions, then this therefore means they're smart, right? Right?


1. Stupid Fucking Girl


I do not believe that all girls are stupid. I do, however, believe that girls have a far greater capacity to be stupid than guys do. If you've ever been sitting in a classroom when a girl raises her hand to ask for clarification on the term "complete sentence", then you know what I'm talking about. I don't know what it is about college girls, but they seem to lack the basic skills of common sense and critical thinking that can be found in most monkey exhibits at the zoo.

Not Pictured: A single goldamn braincell

Is it because they're more concerned about their grades than the guys are that they incessantly bombard the professors with questions about due dates and requirements and minimum lengths and maximum lengths and--wait, maximum lengths? You're concerned you might get marked down for being overly ambitious/having no life? It's like they have no capability to stop and realize that the professor is most likely a relatively normal and rational human being, which means his expectations will therefore most likely be normal and rational. And usually the unreasonable professors make their outrageous expectations crystal clear, leaving no need for questions.

All your papers are to be done in Wingdings, or I shall use an unforgivable curse on you. Any questions?

And so many of the college professors just sit there and take it. I know it's their job and all, but these dudes are smarter than me and I can barely keep myself from gouging my eyes out with a pencil. And I don't even have a pencil.

The unfortunate demise of many a college professor.

Interview for a college teaching position:

INTERVIEWEE: As you can see, all my credentials--

INTERVIEWER: We don't give a damn about credentials, how are you at taking bullshit?

INTERVIEWEE: Excuse me?

INTERVIEWER: (Puts on blonde wig) Am I allowed to use Arial font on my paper? It's prettier than the Roman one.

INTERVIEWEE: Well, I, uh...I guess that would be okay.

INTERVIEWER: When you say our topics have to be approved, does that mean they have to be approved by you?

INTERVIEWEE: Yes, of course.

INTERVIEWER: When should we get them approved? When we turn them in?

INTERVIEWEE: Seriously? No, you should get your idea approved when you think of it, before you begin writing.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, okay. And for the exam, how many multiple choice, how many essays, how many true or false, and how many fill in the blank? Also, how long should each essay be?

INTERVIEWEE: Your essay should be as long as you need it to be in order to sufficiently and completely respond to the prompt.

INTERVIEWER: Right, but how long is that?

INTERVIEWEE: (Rolls eyes) Just do your best.

INTERVIEWER: You're hired.

And why, before every exam/test/quiz/class is there a frenzy of girls quizzing each other with note cards covered in pink highlighter? They spend every class taking copious notes (even if the professor posts all of their slides, complete with notes, online) and then spend even more time outside of class transferring these notes into color-coded note cards? This isn't Japan, where grades are life and death, this is America where grades are--well, not really good for anything, least of all, getting laid. Wait, maybe that's it! While guys are always trying to figure out new and better ways to get laid, girls have nothing better to focus on than grades.

Mmmm. Titties.

So please, girls, the next time you think about asking the professor if your brother dying is a good enough excuse to miss class, just put your hand down and use your brain. And if you don't know how to do that, quit school and stick with what you're good at.

Which is most likely coloring.

Liberalities and the Book of Face

I don't think people quite understand how Facebook should work. Or maybe they just don't understand how life should work. Too much of late I have seen people go on complete tirades on the statuses of their friends, most often statuses that are politically charged. Why? Well because their friend's status doesn't coincide with their own ideas of course. I myself have had at least two people completely unfriend me on Facebook because they just couldn't stand my political standpoints. The irony of this is that they were from the political party that so proudly claims to be the tolerant one.

That's right, liberals.

Now before you freak out, I'm not attacking all liberals here. I have plenty of friends who are sane, rational liberals who can calmly state their views and calmly disagree with others without completely flipping their lids. I am perplexed, however, by those people who seem to think that any disagreement with their personal philosophy is also a disagreement with their personhood. I'm sure there are conservatives who act the same, but because of my political and religious stance, I tend to come up against the leftist extremists, though the right-wing clearly has their fair (or unfair) share of the same.

That being said, it seems to me as if Liberalism is the new "tolerant" religion that tolerates you as long as you remain politically correct. If you play by their rules, help the environment, and judge no one, then you are fine. If, however, you (God forbid) make any kind of disparaging remarks about the president, the Healthcare Bill, climate change, or anything like that, you are suddenly an intolerant and ignorant dotard who should shut up and just let progress happen.

Why is it that liberals are so defensive about Obama when we had to put up with eight years of Bush-bashing? Why is it that if I see no real evidence of human-caused climate change, I am suddenly a brainless follower of the horrible Fox News--you know, the only news station that isn't completely under the control of the left-wing media? Yes, war is horrible, and therefore you hated Bush, calling him a destroyer of peace. Why can't you see that there can never be peace as long as we allow mothers to murder their children? But if conservatives bring up abortion, we are suddenly stupid single-issue voters who lack the brain capacity to look at the complexity of other issues and weigh then weigh those issues accordingly. The reality is, however, that we understand how to truly weigh the issues, and see that the callous slaughter of thousands of innocent children daily is the most important issue.

But back to Facebook. Let's say I make a simple status, such as "Obama sucks." What do you think will happen? Two things. Some of my friends who agree will 'like' it or post a brief comment of agreement. Then some of my friends who disagree with me will post lengthy comments about how wrong I am or how ignorant or how intolerant or something like that. Now lets review: liberals claim to be tolerant of other people's views and opinions, yet they (many, but not all) would attack me because my opinion is that Obama sucks.

Why? I ask myself. Why are they ranting endlessly about how wrong I am just because my opinion is not a cookie-cutter clone of theirs? Are they trying to persuade me to see things as they do? Surely not, for their tirades are so vehement and aggressive they could only make their opponents dislike them even more. I think Orson Scott Card put it best when he said the following:

"Anger is ugly. We see it on talk shows all the time -- whoever gets mad, loses. No matter who it is, if they show anger on camera, they're going to lose to the people who seem confident and calm...You've got to sound -- and be -- practical. Name-calling and rage work against you."

The same is true for Facebook. If you go on someone's wall and just start arguing aggressively and offensively with them about their beliefs, what good do you expect to do? What do you hope to accomplish? I see statuses making fun of conservatives and Fox News all the time, and guess what? I ignore them. Why, because I'm a coward? No, because I'm mature enough to accept the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how off-base I might think they are. I see statuses praising Obama, a man I find to be a murderer and a snake; I see statuses rejoicing over the passing of the Healthcare Bill, something I find completely atrocious and unconstitutional; I see statuses supporting gay marriage, the further degradation of the American family; I see statuses glorifying abortion, also knowon as murder. And what do I do, every time? Hold my tongue like a mature adult. Maybe say a prayer for those who seem to me to not have a clue.

People have opinions, which will vary from your own. Why don't you just leave them in peace? They are venting, not asking for a fight. If you would actually like to discuss a topic with them, calmly and rationally, why don't you just say so? Something like "I'm interested to know why you think this, and would like to discuss it with you further--message me if you're interested" would be far more productive than "You're just brain-washed by Fox News!" or "Get your facts straight!" or "You're just a stupid high schooler with no real opinions of your own!"

Speaking of which, what is it with grown adults raging on kids in high school for their political statements? Whether you think they're just echoing their parents or Fox News or whatever, it is just downright pathetic to get offended because a fifteen- or sixteen-year-old disagrees with you politically, and it's despicable to then attack them on their own wall. Getting angry and offending people will only earn you enemies. If you push away everyone who disagrees with you, then who is the ignorant one? Someone unable to handle opposing ideas is very much the definition of ignorance. Remember, they are your Facebook friends, so maybe you should start treating them as such. This life is too short to get all worked up just because you think you're opinion is so superior to ours, so please--just cut the self-righteous attacks and grow up already. Facebook is a tool that we should be using to support each other and build each other up, not tear each other down. If we build walls of anger and hatred between us, we are only playing into Satan's hand. We are called by God to build his Kingdom with bonds of love and patient understanding.

Done in Red

Sweetly safely softly soundly
All the while the words resounding
Pounding round inside my head
Of all the bullshit I’ve been fed
All the bullshit I’ve been fed
A ground up mound inside my head
Wound up now on a wound up thread
Wound up how she wound up dead
She wound up dead
She wound up dead
All the bullshit I’ve been fed
Wound up dead inside my head
Now my head is full of led
She led me here and wound up dead
I found her here just sounding dead
I’d rather clown around instead
She’d rather frown inside my head
Inside my head she lies in bed
In bed she lies and dies; is dead
Is dead she spies and lies instead
All the bullshit I’ve been fed
In lies inlies the prize to wed
My eyes despise this guise of red
All the bullshit I’ve been fed
She wound up dead
She wound up dead
The world is spinning in my head
Her world is red
Her world is red
Roses red are roses dead
Her broken eyes are gone and fled
Her spoken lies are songs gone red
Her world is red
Her world is dead
Spreading out and out from out her head
Uncurl each shred
Unfurl her: dead
And now and wow and how she pled
All the bullshit wound up dead
I’ve been fed
I’ve been fed
She is my butter is my bread
Butter spread
Is better red
Everything’s been done and said
Done and said
Done in red
Everything is fun when dead
Fun when dead
Fun in red
Sweetly safely softly said
I made her dead
I’m made of led

Truth?

A man named Jesus was crucified for his beliefs. He stood for something that some people didn’t like, and he was brutally tortured and killed for it.

How could the people in the crowds, those who knew Jesus was innocent, just stand there and watch as Jesus was crucified?

An entire people were persecuted by a man named Hitler and his followers. For their beliefs—for their very existence—they were herded like animals, tortured, experimented on, and slaughtered by the multitudes.

How could the non-Jews sit by in their nice comfy living rooms as millions of Jews were tortured and killed? Surely, people should not be killed simply for existing.

Welcome to the twenty-first century, where thousands of innocent babies are murdered daily, in our own country, right next door to our stores and our houses and our schools.

And where are we?

Watching TV. Perusing Youtube. Ignoring the putrid smoke rising from the camps. Pretending not to hear the screams of “Crucify him.” We have no smoke, no screams for murder. The kills are silent. We walk by as a woman, pregnant with life, steps into a nice little building and walks out with an empty hole in her womb; no child in her hands, only death. Death on her hands but we do nothing.

Welcome to original sin. The right to choose. The right to say forget God and his rules. I make my own rules, I make my own right and wrong. The right to choose a way to live. This is my lifestyle and you don’t have the right to speak against it.

We are not allowed to judge.

This is her right, her choice. Who are we to say she is wrong? The sins of God are now replaced by the sins of political correctness; it is a sin to say that anyone else is wrong. It is a sin to call her “murderer.”

We have the right to abortion. Just as Satan handed Eve the apple, convincing her she had the right, so he hands the modern woman a simple pill, a syringe, a rusty hanger and says, “You have the right.” But we don’t have the right to stop her.

Not everyone was screaming “Crucify him” in those crowds. Not every German citizen marched the Jews to the doors of the death camps. There were those in the crowd who said nothing. There were Germans who averted their eyes from the smoke of human bonfires. There are those among us who say abortion is horrible, but I want tax breaks. I want a better economy. I want better education for my children. I want a better foreign policy.

There is no truth. Everything is true and nothing is true.

Do you not hear our doctors and nurses echoing the words of German soldiers when they say “I was just following orders.” If your boss told you to jump off a bridge, would you? Of course not. But what if he told you to push someone? Pontius Pilate washed his hands of the death of the Christ, and two thousand years later mothers are washing their hands of the blood of their own children.

Till convenience do us part.

So enjoy your tax breaks. Enjoy better foreign policy. Enjoy fixing the environment. Enjoy better education for your children. Enjoy whatever it is that is more important than the life of a human.

Don’t let abortion stop you; don’t be like the ignorant simpletons who care only about abortion. What these one-issue voters don’t realize is that there are bigger issues. Abortion isn’t going to end any time soon, so why fight for it? Why care about babies in the womb when there are people dying because of war? So what if far more babies die because of abortion? Surely ugly deaths in Iraq are more important than thousands of daily deaths that we don’t see.

Out of sight out of mind: the fate of the unborn.

I’m sorry I had sex with my boyfriend. I’m sorry I can’t afford you. I’m sorry, but I got raped. What is my alternative? Adoption? That’s too hard. Too much work. That’s too painful. Let me take a pill and you are no longer my problem. Let me close my eyes and pretend you aren’t a person. Let me close my eyes and create my own reality. My own truth.

Your crime is existence, your sentence: death.

The womb is sacred. That’s my body; don’t you dare invade my body. But which is the invasion? Is it invading a woman’s body to stop her from taking the pill, or is it invading to put a man-made device into her? Is it invasion to knock away the knife or to insert the scalpel into her womb? Doesn’t invasion require for something to invade? Isn’t the doctor invading when he enters her body in any form to kill the child? Isn’t the mother invading when she swallows the pill?

Welcome to the 21st Century. We have taken the apple. We have taken the power of God into our own hands.