The Top 5 Most Obnoxious College Students

For those of us who decided to advance our formal education in partying by going to college, it didn't take long to notice one of the annoying side-effects college can bring: actually going to class. Granted, this isn't a pastime we often partook in, nor of our own free will, but not for the reasons you think. Yes the lectures are boring, but in the age of under the table texting and hooded earbud listening, we don't have it nearly bad as our forefathers. However, I'm not sure that our forefathers had to deal with an even worse kind of torture: that of the obnoxious student. There are many forms of obnoxious college students, but these are by far the most common and most obnoxious. And if you don't recognize one, then you just might be...


5. The Front Row Student (Teacher's Pet)










In general, there are two kinds of suck ups, she who giggles and shows some cleavage, and he who chortles while choking on teacher dick. We've got no problem with the dumb girl who touts her double-D's rather than a double-digit ACT score. A little cleavage to encourage a grade boost never hurt anyone, right? I mean, 'Grade Boost for Grade-A Bust' has been an integral part of the education system for generations.

Education at its finest.

No, it's the annoying, know-it-all, I'm-better-than-everyone-in-this-room student that really grinds our gears.

Sometimes the two can become confused due to magic.

These are the students who sit in the front row of the classroom, giving all the answers and asking all the questions. They think they are superior because of their unending well of knowledge, but really they are only superior in their unending ability to lick the professor's balls. You see, just because you answer the professor's questions, that doesn't mean you are the only one can, it just means you are the only one who did. Some of us are perfectly content to look at porn on our phones while pretending to text our friends. But hey--to each his own, right? Except, why do you have to be so damn arrogant about it? You're answering the obvious and mundane questions of an obviously mundane and no-name professor in a second rate college. He is not Alex Trebek, and you will not not win a single cent by answering correctly.

Though he does share an uncanny resemblance with many college professors, so we can see how you might get confused.

So stop laughing at his terrible jokes, stop nodding at his every statement, and please just sit there like the rest of us. Imagine for a moment, if you will, a world in which no one answered the professor's questions, and said professor eventually stopped asking them. How beautiful, how peaceful. Though if that were to occur, people might feel like they're just watching TV, which could cause them to whip it out and start masturbating right then and there. Which brings us to...


4. Bubble Boy









'Bubble Boy' is the classification for people who are in a classroom, yet don't seem to realize that they are in a classroom. They seem to think that they live in an opaque, soundproof bubble that can grow and shrink, depending on the number of friends around them. And thanks to their protective bubble, these Bubble Boys will proceed to talk, watch movies, or do whatever they would do if no one else was there. You know, as if they weren't disturbing anyone.

As if the 2001 remake with Jake Gyllenhall wasn't disturbing enough.

Of course, Bubble Boys aren't restricted to the male gender. Oh no, not at all. Girls tend to be the most likely offenders of answering their phones in the middle of class, conversations ranging from "I'll call you back" to full-fledged drama fests. Do you know where you are? You're in a classroom full of people who are either trying to listen to the professor, or trying to think about anything other than what you're talking about. This also applies to people who talk to their friends at a volume which implies that they are at a construction site, rather than in a hushed classroom of people trying to focus, or at least trying to sleep. Did your Kindergarten teacher scream across the hall to other teachers during naptime? No, because all of the little rugrats would probably get up and murder her. It's just not polite.

Speak and die.

Rules for the Bubble Boy:
1. Text under the desk, not on it.
2. If you want to talk on your phone, leave the fucking room.
3. Whisper to your friends, do not speak in a normal tone.
4. When using your laptop for anything other than notes (which is always), sit in the very back row. We don't share your love for romantic comedies or your love for your friend's Facebook photo albums.

3. Old People


Okay, I know, it's just great that old people have the courage and patience and all that to abandon their families and their pensions to go back to school. Fan-freaking-tastic. The problem? They're in the same classes as the rest of us! What ever happened to the good old days of separate but equal? You know, like how they separated the "special" kids into their own classes that moved at a "special" speed and intensity? Surely being middle aged when Al Gore invented the internet qualifies as some kind of learning disability.

I know there's tons of free porn out there, but I have no idea how to access it.

I'm all for teaching old dogs new tricks, but not in the same room as the normal people. Why not, you may ask. They're people too, right? Yes, they may be people, but they have no idea what is going on outside of their little world of kids and wife and what college was like back in the "good ol' days." To them an iPod is what little Timmy demanded for Christmas and clubs are what their father wielded when they made the unfortunate mistake of being heard in addition to being seen.

And then there's Billy, who made the simple mistake of being born.

They see every little thing the professor says as the perfect opportunity to bring up either a) Their youth or b) Their current family/work situation. We don't care about how this relates to your kids and we don't care how things were when you were our age. You see, old people can do the simple math and figure out that often they are close in age to the professor. However they lack the insight to recognize that while they may have decades of experience on us, they obviously didn't make such great use of those decades, hence the fact that they are a student just like the fucking rest of us. So spare us your misguided words of wisdom and save them for who they're meant for--your kids. The best is when they turn to all the young folk in the room, with that amusedly knowing look, and tell us in one condescending way or another how someday we'll understand. Yeah? And maybe at some point you will figure out how to check your computer's history and find out what your husband's latenight snacks really consist of. I'll give you a hint, it has something to do with that think called the internet. But don't worry, someday you'll understand. Now please, shut the fuck up.

Best. Invention. Ever. God I'm good!

2. The Coffeeshop Douchebag

The Coffeeshop Douchebag is not to be confused with the Teacher's Pet. The Teacher's Pet says everything the professor wants to hear, answering all questions "correctly", and verbally fellating him at every opportunity.

Sometimes apples just don't cut it.

The Coffeeshop Douchebag, however, is just the opposite. Instead of agreeing with everything the professor says, this breed of students says the exact opposite, no matter what. It doesn't matter if it makes sense, it doesn't matter if it's clearly wrong, hell, it doesn't matter if it's in English, as long as it contradicts what the professor or any student in the room says. Where Teacher's Pet's revere the professor as a god to be worshiped and obeyed, the Coffeeshop Douchebag sees the professor, along with every human they ever come in contact with, as someone to be despised and looked down upon.

How's the weather down there, in your pathetic little world?

The Coffeeshop Douchebag is so named because, outside of the classroom, he can be found sitting in a coffeeshop with his Macbook and his overpriced latte, most likely blogging about how smart and cultured he is, and how unevolved every other single person to walk the face of the planet is.

Ooh, a black Mac. He's even superior to other Coffeeshop Douchebags!

Yet, by sitting there in class and contradicting everyone at every point on every topic, their attempt to look intellectually superior only serves to make them completely despised. And you know what? That's exactly what they're going for. They think that if all the stupid cretin of the student population, as well as the faculty, don't 'get' them or their lofty theories and opinions, then this therefore means they're smart, right? Right?


1. Stupid Fucking Girl


I do not believe that all girls are stupid. I do, however, believe that girls have a far greater capacity to be stupid than guys do. If you've ever been sitting in a classroom when a girl raises her hand to ask for clarification on the term "complete sentence", then you know what I'm talking about. I don't know what it is about college girls, but they seem to lack the basic skills of common sense and critical thinking that can be found in most monkey exhibits at the zoo.

Not Pictured: A single goldamn braincell

Is it because they're more concerned about their grades than the guys are that they incessantly bombard the professors with questions about due dates and requirements and minimum lengths and maximum lengths and--wait, maximum lengths? You're concerned you might get marked down for being overly ambitious/having no life? It's like they have no capability to stop and realize that the professor is most likely a relatively normal and rational human being, which means his expectations will therefore most likely be normal and rational. And usually the unreasonable professors make their outrageous expectations crystal clear, leaving no need for questions.

All your papers are to be done in Wingdings, or I shall use an unforgivable curse on you. Any questions?

And so many of the college professors just sit there and take it. I know it's their job and all, but these dudes are smarter than me and I can barely keep myself from gouging my eyes out with a pencil. And I don't even have a pencil.

The unfortunate demise of many a college professor.

Interview for a college teaching position:

INTERVIEWEE: As you can see, all my credentials--

INTERVIEWER: We don't give a damn about credentials, how are you at taking bullshit?

INTERVIEWEE: Excuse me?

INTERVIEWER: (Puts on blonde wig) Am I allowed to use Arial font on my paper? It's prettier than the Roman one.

INTERVIEWEE: Well, I, uh...I guess that would be okay.

INTERVIEWER: When you say our topics have to be approved, does that mean they have to be approved by you?

INTERVIEWEE: Yes, of course.

INTERVIEWER: When should we get them approved? When we turn them in?

INTERVIEWEE: Seriously? No, you should get your idea approved when you think of it, before you begin writing.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, okay. And for the exam, how many multiple choice, how many essays, how many true or false, and how many fill in the blank? Also, how long should each essay be?

INTERVIEWEE: Your essay should be as long as you need it to be in order to sufficiently and completely respond to the prompt.

INTERVIEWER: Right, but how long is that?

INTERVIEWEE: (Rolls eyes) Just do your best.

INTERVIEWER: You're hired.

And why, before every exam/test/quiz/class is there a frenzy of girls quizzing each other with note cards covered in pink highlighter? They spend every class taking copious notes (even if the professor posts all of their slides, complete with notes, online) and then spend even more time outside of class transferring these notes into color-coded note cards? This isn't Japan, where grades are life and death, this is America where grades are--well, not really good for anything, least of all, getting laid. Wait, maybe that's it! While guys are always trying to figure out new and better ways to get laid, girls have nothing better to focus on than grades.

Mmmm. Titties.

So please, girls, the next time you think about asking the professor if your brother dying is a good enough excuse to miss class, just put your hand down and use your brain. And if you don't know how to do that, quit school and stick with what you're good at.

Which is most likely coloring.